I Wish My Mother Taught Me Differently

As I'm reflecting about childhood I can't but help but ponder my own. There were really great moments, but before I turned twelve it was really hard. Why I'm pondering my childhood is because I have a child. An 18 month old boy who's currently rubbing yogurt in his hair. Oh you got to love him :). He is the joy of my life. I'm happy to say that with all that I encountered I rose above it and I found my happily ever after.

But before I get to the end of this story I want to talk about the beginning. Growing up as a girl in a society full of perfection, especially towards a woman's body was extremely hard. However, add to that a girl who was born with one breast. I must say I struggled a lot with my self image.

Don't get me wrong my mother did what she thought was best. Honestly she didn't know what else to do. I was her fourth daughter and she simply didn't know how to raise me differently. If you're a mother of a daughter or son with Poland Syndrome here are some things that I wish my Mother did differently to help me.

I Wish My Mother Helped Me Understand That it's Okay to be Different

Along with only having one breast there were other effects to Poland Syndrome. Not having a major and minor pectoral muscle on my right side also effected my arm. My right arm is slightly shorter then my left and my right hand is about 1/2 inch smaller then my left. When I realized that my hand was different I was, I must say, ecstatic. I ran to my Mother and showed her my hands gleaming saying wow look at this Mommy my hand's different. I was positively jumping with joy that I had discovered something about myself that I hadn't already known. I must of been around six.

She then sat me down and had a very serious conversation with me. She told me she hadn't told me about my hand and arm because she didn't want me to feel different. I told her I already knew I was different I only had one breast, it was pretty obvious to me. This new find was something cool to me, something I could show off to my friends. She then shrugged it off and told me that it wasn't a big deal and to not show anyone. Although she was trying to protect me and didn't want me to get hurt this caused a lot more pain in the long run. Instead of being instilled with a sense of pride and joy in being different. I was taught to hide myself away. So when someone found out I had one breast and was mean about it, I was ashamed. I wish I would have been like "Oh so what I'm just like you, who cares?" I was ashamed of my defect and it caused the pain of being bullied to be intensified even more. I just wish she was excited as I was and told me that I was beautiful and that it wasn't just okay to be different, but better.

I Wish My Mother Hadn't Told Me That Everything Was Going to be Okay

Whenever something bad happened my mother would always sit me down comfort me and tell me "Everything's going to be alright." But it wasn't alright. Not then and not in the future. I wish instead of my mother telling me "Just keep being friends and they'll get used to you and won't tease you anymore." That she would have said "Things will be hard, you have a rough path ahead of you, some people won't understand and will be mean, but forget about them because they're not your true friends. If you're strong and wait for friends that truly love you for who you are you'll be happy." But she didn't. I wish she had prepared me for harder times. Told me that bad stuff would happen but that I would push through and that she would always be there to help me.

I Wish My Mother Taught Me to be Stronger and Stand Up For Myself

When my mother, like above, inadvertently taught me to be ashamed of my defect. It became instilled in me. But whenever I would try and toughen up and stand my ground, I was ultimately scolded. Okay I was a little hot head and had a temper. So I'm sure she was trying to teach me manners. But what this all boiled down to is that I was taught to fit in, fit in, fit in. If ever I thought that people or kids were treating me like I wasn't fitting in I would become angry. I would tell people what was really on my mind if they were mean to me. What happened? I got in trouble. Soon I found that speaking up for myself wasn't worth it so whenever my friends or anyone else would put me down. I would just take it, thinking this is what I'm supposed to do, right? Fit in? Not make a scene. Let me just say I was a miserable little kid. I wish she had taught me that if someone wronged me that it was okay to stand up and call them out on it. I wish that she had taught me that it was okay to be strong. Instead all I got was fit in, fit in, fit in.

I Wish That My Mother Taught Me to Accept Other People That Were Different

When it came to other people that were different, whether they were from a different country, different religion or had a disability, it made my mother nervous. Whenever I would ask questions about someone that looked different she would quickly shush me and scurry away with me in tow. Perhaps this is the reason why she acted like she did around me, my defect made her nervous. If ever I would approach someone in a wheel chair and start talking to them she would quickly pull me away apologizing profusely and scolding me. What did this teach me? People that were different were, kind of bad. People from other countries were always "dangerous" and so were their countries, people of different religions were sinful and people with disabilities were weird. This was a hard thought to grow up with being different myself. It felt just wrong.

When I was a tween my mom and I were watching a TV show CSI. There was a case they were investigating of a man that was murdered that had a strange disease. This disease made his hair grow really fast and had a lot of it covering his body. It turns out his fiance's brother murdered him because he didn't want him marrying his sister. I commented about how sad and horrible it was that the murderer couldn't accept the disabled man for who he was. What did my mother say? "I can't blame him." I looked at her with my mouth open in shock. How could she say that? I said "Why?" She said "I wouldn't want any of my daughters to marry a man like that, then all my grand babies could have that condition?!" I was SO angry! How could she say something like that. I stood up in a fury "How could you expect me to judge someone based off of their disability? When you wouldn't want them to judge me based off of mine!" I stormed out of the room and left my mother with her mouth hanging open. This just showed me how much my mom hated anything and anybody that was different. It was a hard time for me. I wish she had showed kindness and understanding to all people, so that I would have felt more accepted by her.

I Wish My Mother Had Helped Me Find True Friends

I had a rough time with friends. I didn't have any true friends and the friends that I did have were always mean to me. I would tell my mom, but she would insist that everything would be okay and that they just needed to know me better. So she would set up play dates, sleep overs, birthday parties. All with my fake friends. I was miserable, I knew they didn't like me. I didn't want to be friends with them as much as they wanted to be friends with me. But my mother insisted that I should make friends, hang out with kids more often.

I once had a girl in my kindergarten class wave at me. I was excited that I knew someone, I waved back. She then came over to tell me that she wasn't waving at me but the girl behind me. "Why would I wave at you?" What happened when I told my mom? Everything will be okay and she set up a sleep over over at this girls house. Just me and her. I was miserable. I wish my mom taught me it was okay to not be friends with someone, even if it meant not having friends at all. It would have saved me so much heart ache if I could have just been alone and discovered what it was to be me. Instead of being forced to be friends with girls that bullied me.

I Wish My Mother Helped Me More with My Self Esteem and That It Was Okay To Be Confident About My Body

Ever since I could remember my mother was always hiding my body way. I couldn't wear tank tops because it might shift and people could see I was different. I couldn't wear the cute swim suits because people might see that I was different. This became especially hard once I hit puberty, but that's something that should be discussed all on it's own. What this taught me is that I always needed to be covered up because someone might find out. But it wasn't just about my defect. Not to me it wasn't. Very quickly I became not only ashamed of my defect, but of my female body. I wish I was taught sooner to be confident about my body with my defect. I wish I was taught that I was beautiful NO MATTER WHAT. I mean my parents told me I was beautiful all the time. But they would never tell me that I was beautiful with my defect, heck I was beautiful BECAUSE of my defect.

This caused a lot of mixed and unstable feelings not only towards my body but towards my sexuality. It was especially difficult when I started to date. All of these feelings were really hard to get over. If I couldn't accept myself and think I was beautiful, then what guy would? I wish my mother didn't make me feel bad about my body. I guess what this all comes down to is. I wish I didn't grow up thinking that my body was bad, ugly or different. I wish I grew up thinking that I was the most beautiful girl in the world. To look at myself and know that I was different but accept it as the norm for me. All of those other people were boring normal, but me, I was special.

Although I had hard times with my mom growing up we're better now. She told me later in life that if she had had Poland Syndrome that it would have broken her. She was approaching my situation like she would with herself. But she forgot that I was and am nothing like her. I still struggle with our relationship but she still comes over for dinner and babysits my kids. If you're a mom that has a child with Poland Syndrome, please try and learn from my experience. If you're a parent with Poland Syndrome I hope that you can raise your kids to be the best that they can be. 

I hope that someone that has been touched by Poland Syndrome is reading and hope that other's are touched as well and are learning. If anything I hope you learned how everything you do effects your children. If you have Poland Syndrome or any other defect what are some things that you wish your parents did differently or that your parents did to help you cope with your disability?

Until next time...

You're Perfect just the way you are,
No one's as Special as you.

Poland and Perfection

A life time of hope, hurt and love has brought me to this point. A point of reflection and sharing. A point of changing, turning and yearning. How life still surprises me. Honestly, I can't help but be shocked that I'm writing this all down; confessing my feelings, experiences and life to anyone who can read. However, recent events in my life has brought me to a state of, well anger and frustration. Things should be better. I want to try and change things that are wrong in the world.

If you've read this far, you're still interested and you're probably wondering what the hell is she talking about. Well, Poland Syndrome, ever heard of it? Honesty I can't blame you if you haven't. Know why? Because there is no special doctor for it and every doctor I've ever told about it, has to look it up in a dictionary. Is this a disease? No. Is it life threatening? No. Is it heartbreaking? It most certainly can be.

Poland's syndrome is a birth defect. A fairly slight one that effects a very small amount of people, most of them being males. So not only do I have a crazy rare birth defect, but I also have a birth defect that rarely effects females. Yay for me, I'm a rarity. So, what is it exactly? When I was still inside my mother's womb a part of my body failed to develop; although if you were to ever meet me in person you probably wouldn't notice. My right major and minor pectoral muscles failed to develop like normal. This left my body with a small dent where my right breast was supposed to be.

That's right. Ever heard of breast cancer? Women having to go through surgery and remove their breast or sometimes breasts. Well, I've only had one breast my entire life. I mean women who go through breast cancer and have to lose a breast, it's sad and this is in no way saying what they went through wasn't horrible and emotionally trialing. But all of the emotions that come with breast cancer; I experienced every day of my entire life.

Growing up being a little girl and knowing your different was one thing, but being treated like you were different was another. At some point you stop caring and start carrying a thick skin wherever you go. You might be able to tell yourself that peoples snide comments don't matter and you don't care what they think. But I did, I really did. I never truly became free of it all until I made peace with myself, but that did not happen until a very long time down the road.

We live in a society that sexualizes the female body for multiple reasons, some being just to sell a product. I feel pressure still, with everything around you telling you your body's not thin enough, your face isn't clear enough, you're breasts aren't big enough, you're outfits not skimpy enough, you're not having sex early enough. Imagine how this all is for a little girl, especially a girl with only one breast? Sometimes it makes me sick. I wonder sometimes how I survived it all. Then I remember it was because I was strong. Me.

I know that there are other's out there like me. I know that you've struggled and have spent time hiding like me. But I don't want to any more. I have never met a woman that I knew to have Poland Syndrome. I so wish I have. Perhaps this is another reason I'm writing this all down. I'm reaching out to a younger me to tell her everything's going to be alright. It took me a very long to come to that realization and I'm writing this to maybe, hopefully help you realize too.

You're Perfect just the way you are,
No one's as Special as you.